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"I expect huge things out of Jay this year," he said. "I mean, the guy can hand off the rock with the best of them. Or at least as well as most professional quarterbacks not named Mark Sanchez. Of all his fumbles, maybe only two came on an exchange with Matt Forte."

"We're talking about people who were on blogs and Facebook pages after every single game, complaining about [Blackhawks goalie] Corey Crawford," said Jerry O'Brennan, a CPD spokesman. "But then, suddenly, they all up and vanished a couple weeks ago. Whether it coincides with Crawford's stellar play is not the issue. The concern is that we've lost up to 1,000 citizens, no matter how annoying or wrong-headed they are."

Once vilified and shunned by the city of Chicago for his role in the 2003 NLCS, reported sightings of ousted Cubs fan Steve Bartman have become more frequent than a 2011 Carlos Marmol blown...

Along with the whooshes and zings made by moving stock cars, NASCAR officials announced other sounds listed as popular in the survey, such as ratcheting pit-crew repairs and crunching, smoldering crashes, would be translated into closed captioning as well.

In a shocking move that rattled Bears fans across the country, five-time Pro Bowl wide receiver Brandon Marshall was traded to the New Jersey Jets for a package of five weeks of Green Bay fans making fun of Bears fans for only getting a fifth-round draft pick for one of the best wide receivers in the league.

“I feel good about this season,” the 275-pound Fielder said. “This is the first spring training I’ve shown up to where I don’t feel like I can get any bigger, so that can only mean good things for me.”

“You know, I just did what any other good-headed, I mean hearted, citizen would do in that situation,” said the 45-year-old Buck, with the plane’s tire marks still just barely visible on his alien-like cranium.