Friday, September 18, 2020

NASCAR introduces closed-captioned car sounds

Along with the whooshes and zings made by moving stock cars, NASCAR officials announced other sounds listed as popular in the survey, such as ratcheting pit-crew repairs and crunching, smoldering crashes, would be translated into closed captioning as well.

Danica Patrick becomes first marginally attractive woman to finish 8th at Daytona

"Anytime a woman competes on this big of a racing stage it's bound to make headlines," said NASCAR on ESPN analyst Tim Brewer. "But when it's someone as remotely attractive of Danica ... va-va-va-voom!"

NASCAR nation mourns missing accident live, Danica to work the pole

"You sit here through tedious and nauseating lap after lap just waiting to see something, anything interesting happen and then as soon as you flip over to Swamp People or Teen Mom this happens," said one fan who admits watching NASCAR only for the crashes. "I feel bad for those people but I really regret missing it."

NASCAR announces participation in UFC 131 amid recent driver feuds

NASCAR made an announcement this morning that it no longer had "no choice" in how the drivers dealt with their off-track feuds. Instead, officials announced they would provide an instrument for channeling their negative energy by having the most recent feuding drivers participate in the next UFC 131 pay-per-view event.

Heckler Stats: Professional Crying Leaders

The Miami Heat and Danica Patrick currently register the most tears/second among sports personalities.

The Heckler’s On Deck

The Heckler predicts what will happen in the world of sports this month.

Trevor Bayne starts full-time ride at Piggly-Wiggly bakery after Daytona 500 win

After the unknown driver's first career Sprint Cup win in the Daytona 500, offers for sponsorships and jobs fell at the newly famed racer's feet.