Thursday, March 4, 2021

Cubs sign third fifth starter

The Cubs further filled out one spot on the starting rotation Friday by coming to terms with Jake Arrieta, after their former ace spent three mediocre seasons with the Phillies.

Cubs sign 5th starter

The Cubs' offseason heated up literally and figuratively Thursday with the addition of a burning trash receptacle that will be the team's fifth starting pitcher when the season hopefully gets started sometime before the end of 2021.

KB clarifies: Baseball isn’t fun when you hit .206

A minor controversy erupted Thursday when Cubs 3B Kris Bryant was quoted as saying baseball isn't fun for him anymore. He later clarified his comments, saying they were taken out of context.

Cubs fans beg team to trade Todd Ricketts next

As the Cubs' apparent sell-off of 2020 continues, fans are pleading with Jed Hoyer to make part-owner Todd Ricketts the next member of the team to be shipped out of town.

Cubs look to hire bad Harry Caray impersonating twins to replace Len Kasper

"Our budget constraints are forcing us to think outside the box to find Len's replacement."

Todd Ricketts awarded Medal of Freedom and honorary doctorate from Trump University

"President Trump awarded me an honorary doctorate from his esteemed university," said Ricketts. "From now on, call me Dr. Todd Ricketts."

Remaining Cubs rush to claim Schwarber’s walk-up music

The news that Kyle Schwarber and the Cubs were likely parting ways had barely broke when Dante Deiana's phone started lighting up.