The Cubs’ offseason heated up literally and figuratively Thursday with the addition of a free agent burning trash receptacle that will be the team’s fifth starting pitcher when the season hopefully gets started sometime before the end of 2021.

“We needed someone who could eat innings for us,” said President of Baseball Operations Jed Hoyer. “It turns out this flaming dumpster eats a lot of things in addition to innings, like trash, expired food, and bags of dog feces left behind by Lakeview yuppies and their doodles, so it really adds a lot of value to the neighborhood.”

The Cubs signed the dumpster to a “team friendly” $4.75 million one-year deal, which is $250,000 less than the contract the Nationals signed former Cubs starter Jon Lester to last month.

There are some logistical troubles around the newest Cub, however.

Added Hoyer: “We’re not real sure how we’ll transport it from stadium to stadium since it is perpetually aflame, but we’ve got some of the best minds in the NL Central working on this, which means we are pretty much screwed.”

Image by Kurtis Evans