Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Cubs fans beg team to trade Todd Ricketts next

As the Cubs' apparent sell-off of 2020 continues, fans are pleading with Jed Hoyer to make part-owner Todd Ricketts the next member of the team to be shipped out of town.

Cubs look to hire bad Harry Caray impersonating twins to replace Len Kasper

"Our budget constraints are forcing us to think outside the box to find Len's replacement."

Todd Ricketts awarded Medal of Freedom and honorary doctorate from Trump University

"President Trump awarded me an honorary doctorate from his esteemed university," said Ricketts. "From now on, call me Dr. Todd Ricketts."

Remaining Cubs rush to claim Schwarber’s walk-up music

The news that Kyle Schwarber and the Cubs were likely parting ways had barely broke when Dante Deiana's phone started lighting up.

Financially destitute baseball team decides it can’t afford the luxury of a .188 hitter

The down-and-out Chicago Cubs have decided to part ways with Kyle Schwarber after a miserable 2020 campaign in which the misplaced left-fielder struggled mightily at the plate.

Heyward holds team in clubhouse overnight for another postseason rain delay speech

"It's one thing if the delay is only 17 minutes and it's the World Series," said first baseman Anthony Rizzo, "but a 24-hour delay during the Wild Card round is just not the same."

Kris Bryant suspends himself for Saturday night’s ‘potty mouth’

"I can't tell you how ashamed I am," said Bryant, who reportedly never uses foul language. "In an effort to learn from my potty mouth, I have decided to suspend myself for Sunday's game against the White Sox."