Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Todd Ricketts awarded Medal of Freedom and honorary doctorate from Trump University

"President Trump awarded me an honorary doctorate from his esteemed university," said Ricketts. "From now on, call me Dr. Todd Ricketts."

Remaining Cubs rush to claim Schwarber’s walk-up music

The news that Kyle Schwarber and the Cubs were likely parting ways had barely broke when Dante Deiana's phone started lighting up.

Financially destitute baseball team decides it can’t afford the luxury of a .188 hitter

The down-and-out Chicago Cubs have decided to part ways with Kyle Schwarber after a miserable 2020 campaign in which the misplaced left-fielder struggled mightily at the plate.

Heyward holds team in clubhouse overnight for another postseason rain delay speech

"It's one thing if the delay is only 17 minutes and it's the World Series," said first baseman Anthony Rizzo, "but a 24-hour delay during the Wild Card round is just not the same."

Kris Bryant suspends himself for Saturday night’s ‘potty mouth’

"I can't tell you how ashamed I am," said Bryant, who reportedly never uses foul language. "In an effort to learn from my potty mouth, I have decided to suspend myself for Sunday's game against the White Sox."

Willson Contreras’ bat lands in Harvey three hours after hitting HR

“Here I was, in my backyard enjoying a cold one while arguing with my wife about some stupid shit and this baseball bat comes out of nowhere and lodges in my front yard”

‘Paint drying on wall’ rated more watchable than Cubs offense

A poll this week by ESPN reaffirmed these sentiments as nine out of 10 North Side fans surveyed said they would rather watch paint dry than tune into the Cubs' at-bats.