There are many adjectives that could be used to describe the current state of the Cubs’ offense: fledgling, anemic, inept, lethargic, lackluster, highly overrated, dead on arrival and unwatchable are just a few. A poll this week by ESPN reaffirmed these sentiments as nine out of 10 North Side fans surveyed said they would rather watch paint dry than tune into the Cubs’ at-bats.

“We just painted our basement a very plain shade of gray, nothing super exciting like hot pink or lime green,” said Steve Davis of Lincolnwood. “If given a choice of watching Kyle Schwarber take yet another called third strike or a Willson Contreras swing and miss, I’m staring at that gray wall every day of the week.”

Yet others have been using Cubs games as an elixir to cure insomnia and other sleep disorders.

“We’re living through a pandemic which is causing many restless nights for people of all ages,” said Dr. Jessica Ramirez with the University of Chicago’s Sleep Medicine Team. “When I’m reluctant to prescribe Ambien or other medications, I tell my patients there’s an easy solution – go to your television, turn on Marquee Sports Network, record Cubs game on DVR, press play. In two to three minutes they’re asleep, it’s sort of a miracle drug.”

Jeremy Barewin