Thursday, February 29, 2024

North Carolina also bans marriage between Blue Devils and Tar Heels

Earlier this week, the people of North Carolina passed Amendment 1, which many believed was just a ban on gay marriage. But it has now been revealed that this amendment could also undercut child custody arrangements, jeopardize hospital visiting rights, and most surprisingly – it bans marriage between graduates of Duke University and the University of North Carolina.

BP Crosstown Cup found in Wrigley Field urinal after day out in the bleachers

The BP Crosstown Cup went missing this weekend, and foul play was suspected. Throughout the Cubs-Sox series, the Cup was occasionally seen on television being defaced, used as a giant beer mug, and brandished as a blunt weapon by drunken fans.

God announces apocalypse to take place minutes after Heat win Game 5

The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He -- like the rest of humanity -- is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.

Jordan claims Bobcats could also beat 2012 Team USA

“They have talent,” said Jordan of Team USA. “But I'd like to see those All-Stars who never play with each other develop a rapport fast enough to not only deal with the Puerto Rico's and Germany's of the world, but also the Charlotte Bobcats. Guys like Bismack Biyombo, Kemba Walker and Matt Carroll go out there and fight and sweat for one another. They could mop the floor with this Team USA.”

New American-made Olympic uniforms misspell ‘U.S.A.’

As the United States of America’s best warm-weather athletes walk out to represent their country during the Olympic games’ opening ceremonies, their domestically-attired chests not-so-proudly boast: “U.A.S.”

Olympic update: Creepy uncle suddenly a huge fan of women’s gymnastics

“He texted me, ‘Does this thing happen every year?’,” said Lukas. “Which is weird, because I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. And when I told him, ‘No, the Olympics alternate every two years between summer and winter games,’ he said, ‘So they’ll be in jackets next time?’ I didn't quite understand, but kinda started to feel like I wanted to go cut his cable.”

Moronic Bears fan already making case for Matt Blanchard as starting QB

Bears fan Matt Hunter quickly became enamored with quarterback Matt Blanchard after witnessing the undrafted rookie run a two-minute drill to near perfection.