The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He — like the rest of humanity — is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.

“LeBron sold his soul to Satan to get where he is,” said God. “All of my people are transfixed on this self-worshipping team of pagans that the only way I can rectify the situation is by leveling all of earth to bring every soul to Judgment Day to separate the chosen from the heathen.”