Following another full season of touchdowns scored across the country, God has issued a decree asking football players to kindly stop thanking him every time they cross the goal line.
"I've really got my hands full up here with things like ISIS, climate change, racial unrest and vast crippling poverty around the globe so thanking me for allowing you to score a touchdown, win a NASCAR race or get drafted by the 76ers is just taking my time and attention away from far greater matters that need my full focus."
The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He -- like the rest of humanity -- is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.
Even though Tim Tebow is now 6-1 as a starter this year, more and more people seem to doubt the former Gator. Now Father Gillafritz a local talker to God, has informed the media that God himself is not a fan, of both Tebow's mechanics and his practices as a Christian.
The Cardinals reportedly lost their superstar Albert Pujols to the Angels because the pious first baseman believed the religiously named team was actually owned by God. There's no word on whether Pujols is now aware the team is actually owned by billboard magnate Arte Moreno, but should he find out and have him sour on the decision, it's too late now as the deal has already been signed.
Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano has had his fair share of defensive struggles this season, and in order to hopefully combat his miscues, a prayer group has been formed in left field to garner support from the Almighty.