Idiots

Earlier this week, the people of North Carolina passed Amendment 1, which many believed was just a ban on gay marriage. But it has now been revealed that this amendment could also undercut child custody arrangements, jeopardize hospital visiting rights, and most surprisingly – it bans marriage between graduates of Duke University and the University of North Carolina.

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.

“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”

Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.

“Most owners like the deal because stadiums will already be full. Players like it because they get paid to do one-third of the work,” said mediator Ron Carter. “And Commissioner Bettman is ecstatic because it abolishes all Canadian teams except for one.”

“Vikings? Really? I mean, you ever seen a guy with horns on his head?” said Peterson. “Seems crazy to me. Don’t believe in it. And taxes. Taxes, too. But that’s because it’s against my religious beliefs, or something.”

“We may have made a mistake,” said Putin. “What person would not want to grab this man by his face and kiss both cheeks more times than normal social etiquette would call for?”