NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was zoning out at his office desk one day last week when a staffer walked in and became confused. Mistaking his lethargic boss for a zombie and fearing for his life, the employee grabbed the nearest item, a pencil, and stabbed Bettman squarely in the forehead.
“I had already been observing him engaging in such activities as walking slowly, mumbling and drooling,” said Frank Adams, the employee, who was still shaken. “But when I walked in to see him sitting there, totally stiff with a glazed look over his eyes, I knew I had to react. If the Walking Dead, Land of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead and Re-Animator have taught me anything, it’s that you don’t wait around for the technically deceased to make the first move.”
The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.
“It’s an honest mistake,” said Bettman. “There will be no charges. We value all of our NHL employees for their quick thinking and large braaaaaaains, ahem … sorry. Their brains.”