Monday, May 25, 2020

Called-up NHL player turned away at Customs due to missing note from parents

It was one of the most important calls of his career, until it wasn’t.

Report: Something definitely happening somewhere in NHL

“We are in a peak period for the game,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “16 teams will make the playoffs, and 14 teams will miss the playoffs and that is certainly a factual statement about the NHL that cannot be disputed. Please don’t ask me to elaborate further.”

Bettman admits to suspending ailing Toews ‘for fun’

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."

World Cup teams unite, impose ‘No Canadian Celebrity Bandwagoners’ rule

“We have to be more careful about which celebrity so-called ‘fans’ we let into our cheering sections,” said U.S. goalie Tim Howard. “The bandwagon is only big enough to support serious fans who want to get into soccer, our teams, and our countries. However, we must draw the line at these celebrity frontrunners.”

Frank Thomas announces he’ll go into Hall of Fame as a Blue Jay

"Sure, the White Sox were great," said Thomas just a day after getting elected to the Hall, "but the Blue Jays were the best 171 games of my life."

Join The Heckler for Blackhawks-Canucks at the United Center Friday, Dec. 20

Join a big group of crazy Hawks fans as we head to United Center to take on the Canucks on Friday, Dec. 20. Co-hosted with our friends at Joel Quenneville's Mustache. Space is running out so sign up today!

Hawks re-acquire Kris Versteeg exclusively to rap new goal song

“We’ve been draining every ounce of energy from this song for several years,” said Bowman. “Honestly, at this point it’s become way too humble. Seriously. We’ve got rings, plural. Girls. Whirlpools. The guys are popping out babies left and right. It’s time to rap about it.”