“I was over at Wrigley enjoying my usual on-the-house Stanley Cup full of Old Style when I was told there was a practice or something?” said Sharp. “So I ran right over. Well … finished what was left. Then took a cab.”
The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.
“We’ve been draining every ounce of energy from this song for several years,” said Bowman. “Honestly, at this point it’s become way too humble. Seriously. We’ve got rings, plural. Girls. Whirlpools. The guys are popping out babies left and right. It’s time to rap about it.”
“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”
“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."
“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”
“We are in a peak period for the game,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “16 teams will make the playoffs, and 14 teams will miss the playoffs and that is certainly a factual statement about the NHL that cannot be disputed. Please don’t ask me to elaborate further.”