For demonstrating a superior ability to keep his team prepared for hockey, willing the Blackhawks to their 9-0-2 start and scoring a few amazing goals along the way, Jonathan Toews has been promoted from team captain to the rank of Colonel Kickass.

The new rank allows Toews to pick his own goal music. And to make it official, several stars will be sewn around the ‘C’ on his sweaters.

“I was unsure whether to accept the rank at first,” said the always-modest Toews. “But we hockey guys never turn down a good nickname. Heck, we rarely turn down a bad one.”

Bandwagon Dan