So far no college or medical school has expressed even the slightest amount of interest in studying the effects of head trauma on the brain of Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, it was reported today.

Cutler, who has sustained several concussions and numerous serious blows to the head throughout a 14-year football career, was hoping someone might be interested in examining his brain, but to date there have been no takers.

To entice researchers to study the abnormalities in his chronically traumatized skull, Cutler has offered to play the entire 2013-14 season without a helmet, thereby maximizing the likelihood of degenerative brain damage. He has also increased the amount of violent hits to his head by playing without an offensive line since 2010.

Still, the medical community remains firm in its resolve not to autopsy Cutler’s brain. “Please tell Mr. Cutler to feel free to shoot himself in the head rather than the chest, because we will not be wanting to study his brain afterwards,” read a terse statement issued yesterday by the Harvard School of Medicine.

But it’s not all bad news for the unpopular Bears quarterback. It was recently revealed that several thousand medical schools have quietly contacted Cutler’s girlfriend, reality star Kristin Cavallari, requesting that she consider donating her body to science, immediately.

gregory paul