The dreaded first Sunday after football season ends has arrived all too quickly for Schaumburg native Jacob “Barney” Barnhouse. After spending 22 consecutive Sundays in front of his 55-inch HDTV doing nothing but watching NFL football and consuming Doritos, Barnhouse is in near panic mode trying to figure out what he’ll do this week.

“This is not cool, man! I have no idea what I used to do on those Sundays before last September. It seems like eons ago. Did I do puzzles? Did I spend time with the kids? Do I even have kids?” Barney was visibly shaken while trying to remember the long-gone days of a football-free Sunday. When it was suggested that he could start by removing his stained, holy Bears shirt he’s had since 1993, he nearly had an aneurysm.

“This thing is a part of me, bro! No way I’m taking it off! I can still wear it when I’m doing whatever the hell I’m going to do this Sunday … yeah, that’s the plan! Maybe I’ll finally remodel the bathroom like I’ve been wanting to. With all the extra time I have freed up, I can turn this dump into something semi-livable! Now I feel like I can accomplish anything!”

Barnhouse reportedly ended up spending Sunday afternoon asleep on the couch with random college basketball games on TV.

Trailer Park Charlie