Concerned you might not like him, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler spent the afternoon obsessively refreshing your Facebook page hoping you may have posted something positive about his play or general demeanor.

“When I found out I was one of the most disliked athletes in sports, it really hurt,” said Cutler. “I mean, I totally care what people think of me … especially you. If I thought for a second you didn’t approve of my pouty face or the way I earn millions of dollars, I just don’t know what I’d do. One kind status update from you would be like the sun on my heart for a thousand years.”

The idea that legions of fans, many of whom don’t know the first thing about football, have a negative view of him has kept Cutler in a bad mood all week.

“You’d think I would just keep breaking Bears’ QB records and ignore the criticism because people are morons or whatever, but that’s not the case,” claimed a despondent Cutler. “I pay attention to every bit of it because I truly believe everyone’s opinion of me matters. Yours most of all, and then Trent Dilfer’s, of course.”