NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has received threats of all types from a wide audience lately – from fans calling for either his resignation or his head to fellow commissioners not inviting him to their parties. Even the Blackhawks’ own Dave Bolland was forced to apologize over the weekend after re-tweeting a vague threat from a follower.

Bettman called a press conference on Monday and formally responded to the intimidation by puffing-out like a blowfish and displaying a formidable set of spikes. The puffing went on for 15-20 minutes and then the press conference was over.

“I asked him several questions concerning the revenues that were currently being lost,” said reporter Paul Shockman. “He responded to each by crossing his eyes and filling his cheeks with air. I’m not sure that it was scary at all, but certainly hilariously distracting.”

Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.

“When you’re dealing with smaller, less-intelligent life forms that have many predators, they don’t have any better means to fight back besides making themselves look big,” said wildlife expert Zane Furrows. “The only thing left after that is to play dead.”

Bandwagon Dan