The Blackhawks recently locked up the number one seed in the Western Conference with a full week of season left to go. This affords the team time to ease into the playoffs and let wounds heal.

But you’d never guess success looking at the men in charge. Upon hearing this news during yet another late-night practice, coach Joel Quenneville and captain Jonathan Toews quickly turned and engaged in a vicious staring contest that was so stony it put Mount Rushmore to shame.

“We were all out on the ice and I don’t think anybody noticed until the smoke started pouring out of their ears,” said Hawks defenseman Duncan Keith. “We all watched for about half an hour, then we had to start taking shifts. Somebody said coach’s mustache grew by like an inch at one point.”

Most of the players interviewed were not worried about the mental state of either man. They all claimed to have borne witness to such intense postgame celebrations as wall-punching, barbell-tossing and something they call “super-frowning.”

“These guys love it. They only stopped cause Tazer needed some quick dental work,” said Keith. “He’s a hardcore tooth-grinder, ya know. Wouldn’t wanna be a carrot in his lunch.”

“Oh that?” said Quenneville later. “That’s just how we come up with plays. It gets pretty intense because most of them involve skating directly through the opposition.”

Bandwagon Dan