Saturday, November 26, 2022

Captain Serious promoted to Colonel Kickass

“I was unsure whether to accept the rank at first,” said the always-modest Toews. “But we hockey guys never turn down a good nickname. Heck, we rarely turn down a bad one.”

NHL rulebook update: beating Hawks, Sharks in regulation now worth three points

“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”

Animated GIF Gallery: Luongo crying and Sedin brothers diving

See Roberto Luongo and the Sedin brothers in all their crying, diving glory with these fun animated GIFs.

Bettman responds to criticism and threats by puffing-out like a blowfish

Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.

NHL cancels holidays, month of December, passing of year

“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”

NHL, NHLPA stuck on whether to move Canucks, or burn Vancouver, then move Canucks

“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”

Comatose Bettman mistaken for zombie, stabbed in head

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.