As the world does battle for soccer supremacy in the 2014 FIFA World Cup, the competing nations will be working together. All of the teams have instituted a new rule throughout: “No Canadian Celebrity Bandwagoners.”
Or what is more accurately being dubbed as the “No Bieber, No Drake” rule.
With Canada outrageously excluded in the World Cup field and no national rooting interest in the Stanley Cup Final again, Canadians are free to cheer on any country they want during soccer’s most prestigious tournament. That is, unless you happen to be nicknamed the Biebs or Drizzy.
“We have to be more careful about which celebrity so-called ‘fans’ we let into our cheering sections,” said U.S. goalie Tim Howard. “The bandwagon is only big enough to support serious fans who want to get into soccer, our teams, and our countries. However, we must draw the line at these celebrity frontrunners.”
Justin Bieber and Drake are mostly likely currently preoccupied with the NBA Finals, but with that series set to end by next week, there is no doubt they are already trying to figure out ways to get photographed by World Cup cameras in Brazil.
Already despised for being just awful, Bieber is perhaps the most egregious poser fan out there. While openly supporting winners only like Floyd “Money” Mayweather, and somehow both the Miami Heat and L.A. Lakers at the same time, he’s often photographed as disinterested, hiding his soulless eyes behind shades while flaunting his favorite NBA team du jour’s gear.
Rapidly rising as thirstiest fan ever is Drake, who has been all over the camera lens lately, enthusiastically rooting for his new favorite teams no one knew he had and crashing locker room celebrations.
Drake is a longtime fan of the Toronto Raptors, but he partied with the Heat after they repeated as champs; he openly cheers Kentucky but was seen in the UConn locker room after the Huskies beat the Wildcats in the NCAA Championship game. He hung out at a Seattle Seahawks practice, but will probably hang with the Cleveland Browns now that they drafted his BFF Johnny Manziel.
These Canadian posers have demonstrated that they do not know what it truly means to be a fan and their wishy-washiness extends to the soccer field as well. There is a popular meme of Drake supporting Man City, Man U, and Chelsea: Y.O.S.O (you only support one.) Certainly he will divide his fandom to Italy and the Ivory Coast where his other BFFs, Mario Balotelli and Didier Drogba, respectively play.
Bieber caused some ire when he unsurprisingly switched allegiances from Barcelona to Chelsea, but not as much as the last time he was seen in Brazil.
“We gain new fans all the time. We don’t need Justin Bieber whoring out the Brazilian bandwagon,” said superstar Neymar. “Hasn’t he treated our country enough like some sleazy brothel?”
So during the World Cup, everyone is welcomed to join in on the fun, unless you happen to be Canadian, make mediocre music, and have millions of tone-deaf fans. So that means no if your name is Justin Bieber or Drake. Or Celine Dion.