NBA Commissioner Adam Silver today released a statement pleading with players to “completely eliminate or at least scale back a tad” on sexual encounters with groupies to reduce their likelihood of contracting coronavirus.
“We have to be more careful about which celebrity so-called ‘fans’ we let into our cheering sections,” said U.S. goalie Tim Howard. “The bandwagon is only big enough to support serious fans who want to get into soccer, our teams, and our countries. However, we must draw the line at these celebrity frontrunners.”
Sam, the first openly gay player ever drafted, is expected to find somebody else during the first month of the season between divisional road games against either Arizona and Seattle.
"I know Donald Sterling is a racist and a horrible human being," said Musberger . "With that said, the awesomeness of his super-smokin’ hot girlfriend must not go ignored.
“We are awarding Kristin this degree for her ability to play the faux-brainiac,” said college director Bobo the Hobo. “The depth of her make-believe knowledge is unmatched. She has pretended to read many comically oversized books.”
Pacers guard/forward Paul George managed to play a complete game Monday night against the Bulls without taking a single photo of his genitals or impregnating a stripper. Both exercises in self control represent a season-high for the young star.
“We may have made a mistake,” said Putin. “What person would not want to grab this man by his face and kiss both cheeks more times than normal social etiquette would call for?”