Monday, October 18, 2021

Local woman relieved to learn Sharp’s emergency appendectomy didn’t leave scars on his face

"Oh my god. How's his face?" asked Jacquelyn Witkowski of Barrington, a self-described "jersey-chaser" who's never met Sharp or any of his teammates. "They didn't have to cut his face, did they?"

Soriano spotted pushing Campana around in stroller to pick up chicks

Soriano could be seen being approached by one or even a small group of women. And who was in the stroller to attract these ladies? “Tony Campana, man,” said Soriano. “Dude is a complete magnet for chicks.”

Tiger Woods returns to golf with pair of Hooters girls as caddies

"Look, I'm a complete horn-dog and I need to publicly embrace the type of lifestyle I clearly prefer," said Woods. "Cassie and Lizzie are terrible caddies, but they help me merge my two passions in life: golf and sordid sexual urges."

Patrick Kane interested in dating Marilyn Monroe statue

When the 26-foot tall statue of screen legend Marilyn Monroe was unveiled on Michigan Avenue earlier this month, many around town were questioning her relevance to Chicago and appropriateness of her easy-to-view underwear. However, none of this criticism mattered to Blackhawks winger/babe-hound Patrick Kane who was spotted canoodling with the statue while drunk late Monday night after watching the White Sox-Tigers game at U.S. Cellular Field.

Cutler calls off engagement with Cavallari after watching a rerun of ‘The Hills’

"I used to think Kristin was just your average extremely spoiled West Coast rich girl who never worked a day in her life, but now I know she's just as bad as people like Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Truly awful."

Yankees fan insists infatuation with A-Rod is purely platonic

“Do I come down here and stare at these posters from time to time?” asked Herbst. “Yes, I do. Often. He’s a beautiful specimen of manhood.”

McIlroy celebrates US Open win with drug-fueled porn star orgy

"At such a tender age, Rory plays the sort of golf that energizes our fan base like no one else since Tiger Woods," said PGA Director Tim Finchem. "Unfortunately Rory also shares Woods' penchant for off-the-course excesses. We've got to figure out a way to cover this up."