When the 26-foot tall statue of screen legend Marilyn Monroe was unveiled on Michigan Avenue earlier this month, many around town were questioning her relevance to Chicago and appropriateness of her easy-to-view underwear. However, none of this criticism mattered to Blackhawks winger/babe-hound Patrick Kane who was spotted canoodling with the statue while drunk late Monday night after watching the White Sox-Tigers game at U.S. Cellular Field.

“Man, I was just kicking it with some flight attendants in a hot tub the other night and I saw a story on TV about that hot-ass statue,” a hungover Kane said Tuesday morning. “I mean, if she’s good enough for Joe DiMaggio I guess I can give her the Royal Kaner Romance and Therapy treatment … I’m the best! Bite me, Cutler, where’s … what’s her name? Candy? Cavalry? Bro, get your shit together than maybe …. but I do love you, bro, serious, let’s get a beer since you’re ass is locked out. What? The lockout’s over? Oh, cool … what was I talking about?”

Once Kane regained his composure, he said he believes he and the statue are now “boyfriend-girlfriend” and that he hopes a few teammates will help boost him up high enough to make out with Marilyn, or at least cop a feel.

“Those boobs are huge! I have to have a feel, said Kane. “And they’re made of bronze, which is way cooler than the silicone breasts the girls I date normally have.”

Patrick O. Elia