"I appreciate the question, I really do," said Kane after reading a canned statement. "But I'm only here to discuss hockey, not my excessive wrinkles, thinning hair and sunken facial features."
Kane casually asks bartender how much, hypothetically, it would cost to fill Stanley Cup with a frozen margarita
"I'm just asking for a friend, like, would you just fill it up for free, or would it be a few hundred bucks, you know, if you made a margarita big enough to fit inside the Stanley Cup. Not that I would fill the Stanley Cup with a frozen margarita, even though that does sound delicious and refreshing, but, like, you know, I'm just wondering. If you would do it. I mean could do it. Hypothetically."
After yesterday's injury to Patrick Kane that could leave the NHL's point leader out until at least the playoffs, and the announcement that Derrick Rose was forced to undergo the third surgery on his knee in three years, all fans of Chicago sports franchises have been given a week off of work to grieve properly.
Just as suddenly as the Super Fans finished counting Mini-Ditkas and fell asleep, five million sports fans in the greater Chicago area awoke suddenly to a great disturbance in the Force. It was as if two life forces had been simultaneously snuffed out by the dark side.
"I don't wanna discuss what happened in the locker room. I did hear the message though," said Toews. "My playoff beard needs to get better. Your beard needs to get better every day and it's time to improve. Bicks is right. If I can't grow it out in a few weeks I need to start training my beard now."
“To be a winger on a line anchored by Captain Serious and Kaner is tougher than when I roped the Brooklyn Bridge to LaGuardia Airport in 1999,” Wallenda said.
As an added bonus to the signing of Kane's mullet and Toews' sideburns, perennial All-Stars Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are included as part of the deal.