In a move sure to keep them in playoff beard contention for some time, the Chicago Blackhawks have signed the playoff mullet of Patrick Kane and the playoff sideburns of Jonathan Toews to eight-year deals worth $84 million apiece. The move doesn’t come as much of a surprise, but does lock down the winning combination of a somewhat greasy, slicked back hairstyle that is long in the back and short in the front and a Wolverine-like set of mutton-chop sideburns that in no way connect to the rest of the face together as a potent playoff follicle lineup through the 2022-2023 season.

“This is a great day for facial hair and playoff-inspired haircuts throughout the team,” said Hawks coach Joel Quenneville’s mustache. “I know, as an iconic segment of facial hair, just how motivating the right unique attempted-beard or 80’s-inspired-haircut can be to a team trying to go all the way, and I look forward to many years of the face where I reside coaching the players who have grown out the sideburns and mullet to victory.”

As an added bonus to the signing of Kane’s mullet and Toews’ sideburns, perennial All-Stars Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are included as part of the deal.

Jeff GoodSmith