“Let’s not mince words, ok? We’re going to the playoffs and we plan on going deep into June,” said a visibly peeved Brent Seabrook. “We all know that Tazer and Kaner are our leaders. On the ice, no problems. But the guys and I were real disappointed with those guys’ beards, or lack thereof, again last year. They both signed matching $84-million dollar deals. They can get the help they need. We need better results this year. Our Cup chances might just hinge on it.”
“Completely agree,” said Bryan Bickell. “The wolverine and mullet were fine in the past, but it’s no longer cute. Seabass is only voicing what has been a bit of a smoldering fire in the locker room the past few years. Start growing the beards now because when the playoffs roll around we wanna be proud of their facial hair. It gets tiring answering questions about their lack of scruff. Real tiring.”
It is rumored that on the eve of the regular season, Toews and Kane were involved in a heated locker room conversation with Seabrook, Bickell and Johnny Oduya.
“I don’t wanna discuss what happened in the locker room. I did hear the message though,” said Toews. “My playoff beard needs to get better. Your beard needs to get better every day and it’s time to improve. Bicks is right. If I can’t grow it out in a few weeks I need to start training my beard now.”
“I’m glad some of the guys spoke up,” said coach Joel Quenneville. “It’s no secret those two studs struggle in that area. Why not start today? That way when the postseason starts, they’re already in playoff mode. It’s hard to relate because I’ve never had that problem. I could shave this mustache off in the morning but by sundown it’s almost completely back again.”
Later, it was rumored that Toews was alone in the locker room staring into a mirror and rubbing some mysterious ointment on his face. Kane was nowhere to be found.