Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Detroit Lions Ghosts of Lions past visit Detroit, the Ford Field Follies feature 3 missed field goals in 17-14 choke to Buffalo. Megatron understudy Golden Tate goes for 134 yards & a TD while GM recalls the actual Megatron due to faulty ankle ignition.
9 – Dallas Cowboys Mo’ Murray Mo’ Murray Mo’ Murray! Demarco dominates in-state rival Texans, House of Jones handles Houston 20-17 behind the stud running back’s 136 yards.
8 – San Diego Chargers Wham! Bam! Thank you Sam Diego! Chargers unchallenged by the Jets, shut out NY 31-0 behind 3 TD passes by Phillip “Rock n’ Roll” Rivers (2 to Antonio Gates).
7 – Denver Broncos The Touchdown firm of Thomas, Thomas & Manning too much for the cactus birds, baby! Peyton hits both Demaryius & Julius twice for scores in 41-20 trouncing. Peyton now has more career TD passes than all other QBs in NFL history combined.
6 – Philadelphia Eagles The Phorce is with Philly defense/special teams for the second straight week as they get a blocked punt TD & fumble recovery TD in 34-28 ramming of St. Louis. Jeremy “Mad” Maclin leads the “O” with 76 yards receiving and a TD.
5 – Arizona Cardinals Army of Arizona crushed by Colorado Coalition of Broncos as mentioned earlier. Cardinals led in defeat by “Awesome” Andre Ellington’s 144 total yards & 81 yard TD catch off the famous wheel route.
4 – New England Patriots The Empire of New England proves the reports of its demise were premature. Emperor Belichick shows Cincy his true dark side in 43-17 rout of Cincinnati, highlighted by a big night from big Gronk (Rob Gronkowski with 100 yards receiving & a TD).
3 – Cincinnati Bengals It’s a Cincy cat nap in New England! Meow! Bengals knocked out of the unbeaten ring by Brady & Co. in a fight that should have been stopped in the second quarter. Bengals allow Pats 505 yards of offense and commit 3 turnovers themselves.
2 – Seattle Seahawks Champs win! Champs win! “Rushing” Russell Wilson ravages reeling Redskins! Wilson, this week’s Master of Disaster, runs for 122 yards and a score and also tosses 2 TD strikes in 24-17 win over Washington.
1 – Oakland Raiders (bye) The Silver & Black spend an extra week in London, play a friendly vs. the Manchester United futbol club to defend the honor of American football. As you might guess, the Raiders crush the Brits 34-0. Just win baby!
Program note – The October 12th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be a “Best of” re-run. I’m getting the gang from “Predator” together to stop ISIS (I hope those terrorists have the sense to make an entry on their schedule for “time to bleed!”) Marv is going to put on his funny science glasses and lab coat, head to Atlanta and help the CDC cure the Ebola virus. We’ll be back for football next week!