After yesterday’s injury to Patrick Kane that could leave the NHL’s point leader out until at least the playoffs, and the announcement that Derrick Rose was forced to undergo the third surgery on his knee in three years, all fans of Chicago sports franchises have been given a week off of work to grieve properly.

Jim Anderson, a local business owner who claims to have “dozens of Hawks and Bulls fans” under his employ, said that the decision was a no-brainer.  “Listen, after seeing Kane go down with what’s probably a busted clavicle, and having our greatest fears about Derrick Rose’s knee come true, I know that no one rooting for Chicago teams is going to be able to get out of bed in the morning, much less be a productive member of the workforce.”

The city of Chicago has announced that business and restaurant closures should be expected throughout the oncoming weeks, while warning that the businesses that do remain open should probably be avoided, as they’re going to only be staffed by Cardinals fans.

Jeff GoodSmith