When Tiger Woods returns to the PGA tour at this weekend’s Bridgestone Invitational, he’ll be joined by a pair of stunning Hooters waitresses now serving as his caddies. Woods said the waitresses — who have replaced his recently fired longtime caddy Steve Williams — will help keep his focus on the course after being plagued by nearly two years of personal scandal.

“Look, I’m a complete horn-dog and I need to publicly embrace the type of lifestyle I clearly prefer,” said Woods. “Cassie and Lizzie are terrible caddies, but they help me merge my two passions in life: golf and sordid sexual urges.”

Woods made it clear the decision to replace Williams with a pair of Hooters girls wasn’t easy for him.

“Steve was a great caddy and I thank him for his service,” said Woods. “But he could never look hot to me in a Hooters waitress outfit since I’m not into cross-dressing. That kind of stuff is for freaks.”