NBA Commissioner Adam Silver today released a statement pleading with players to “completely eliminate or at least scale back a tad” on sexual encounters with groupies to reduce their likelihood of contracting coronavirus.
“The players in our league have long enjoyed extremely promiscuous lifestyles,” said Silver. “And while we usually fully endorse such behavior, in light of a highly contagious virus going around, we’d very much enjoy it if our players held off on the groupie sex for the foreseeable future.”
Players are understandably upset by the directive.
“How am I supposed to live my life if I can’t have an insane amount of insane sex with dozens of random women a week?” asked Lakers center Dwight Howard. “The NBA without sex in it is not for me.”
Added Howard: “Why should I even bother having an Instagram account anymore?”
Medical experts say the NBA’s plea for reduced random sex might not be effective anyway.
“Sure, sex with scores of random women might not be advisable in a situation like this, but these guys are wrestling on the court with other big sweaty guys 82 games season so let’s keep their exposure in perspective,” said epidemiologist Raymond Johnson. “But if the NBA is serious about this ban, I’d like to encourage any groupies to head my way for some sweet epidemiologist pipe.”