Chicago Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews was suspended one game by the NHL this week for skipping All-Star events due to illness. Commissioner Gary Bettman was quick to confess in an interview that he often collectively-bargains “fun” rules for himself.

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy. It’s like when you kick a cat to let it know who’s boss. I’m the boss.”

Toews had little to say about the suspension: “Can I please go home? Or will they suspend me for not talking to you?”

Since the last lockout ended in January 2013, Bettman has become prone to random-but-legal assertions of dominance. Perhaps lost amidst the buzz of having hockey back was the fact that Bettman re-designed Nashville’s old mustard-colored jersey himself.

“People think I hate hockey,” said Bettman. “But there are a lot of small pleasures I find in the game. For example, thanks to the last CBA I can now suspend players for being too sick, too left-handed or not having a full enough playoff beard. Watch yourself, Patrick Kane.”

Bandwagon Dan