Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Houston Texans Texans come alive after previous week’s Packer pounding, pummel and bruise Ravens so bad their bruises were darker purple than their jerseys. 43-13 rout highlighted by 2 TD passes by Matt Schaub and 2 TD runs by Arian Foster. Ravens give up most points in a game since 2007.
9 – Mannings West (Bye) Bronco QB Peyton Manning learned Twitter and taunted Phyllis Rivers after the big comeback last week, Coach John Fox made a fine casserole and D-line went to Hooters (where, by all accounts, the service was excellent).
8 – Minnesota Vikings Norsemen grind out 21-14 win over Cardinals behind 153 rush yards from Adrian Peterson. ‘Zona quarterback was a skeleton, proving to win in the NFL you really need a person with human attributes to play QB. Get well soon, Kevin Kolb!
7 – New England Patriots Pats about as impressive as old-ass Evander Holyfield these days, eke out OT 29-26 win over Jets. Note to Bill Belichick: stop dressing like a cut-man chump, you’re a damn head coach. Look sharp baby!
6 – New York Giants The Champs squeak out a 27-23 win over RGIII & Co. thanks to a 15th round knock-out TD pass from Manning East to Victor Cruz Control.
5 – San Francisco 49ers Niners land enough body blows to win split-decision over ‘Hawks & RW1, 13-6. Frank Gore leads the way with 182 total yards of down right pain!
4 – Green Bay Packers The Cheetos starting to round back into form, knock out Rams 30-20 in St. Looey behind 342 yards passing and 3 TDs from MVP Aaron Rodgers.
3 – Chicago Bears Bears win Monday Night RAW 13-7 over Lions. QBs driven into the ground, legs being broken and Lions giving away the ball like Halloween treats highlight an otherwise dull Monday Night game. I wonder who won the Presidential debate.
2 – Atlanta Falcons (Bye) Dirty Birds use week off to hone paper football skills. QB Matt Ryan went undefeated, topping Coach Mike Smith in the championship game as Smith mismanaged his time-outs, challenge flags and pants.
1 – Oakland Raiders The men in black strike back! The lethal leg of Sebastian Janikowski jacks the Jags in OT, 26-23. Had me some Polish sausage in his honor at the Carl Weathers Man-Cave. Just win, baby!
Program note – The October 28th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (filmed in front of a live studio audience) will feature special guest and my old coach, John Madden. We will discuss the growing problems of coaches pissing their pants when the two-minute warning is issued as well as which type of witch and/or warlock he consults for his “Madden Curse.”