Sport

"This is why you put on the surgical mask and gloves," said team surgeon Michael Benson. "No offense to the other guys on the roster, but the chance to work with Derrick is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

“To me, my vote was all about the numbers,” claimed Old Town resident Stu McGregor, who spent his Sunday afternoon voting for Coghlan the maximum 50 times on his iMac and another 50 times from a second account on his iPhone. “The Cubs are undefeated when Coghlan starts this year, while the Nationals are winning only about 60% of Harper starts.”

“Warming up before games with a good bounce was an idea I had,” said Cubs skipper Joe Maddon. “Maybe trampolines on the wall and ceiling went too far. Who’s to say? We’re just here trying not to suck.”

"I'm going to be so amazing, it will make your head spin," said Trumpell. "Which is the real reason you'll have a concussion, not because of playing football. Any idiot knows that."

"This is a best of seven series," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "We have TV deals in place, player contract stipulations must be enforced and I'd personally like to see LeBron [James] just destroy Toronto's will to live, to be honest."

"I believe the best team in the league right now are the Braves, I think that Augie Ojeda is the best baseball player of all time, and Joey Fatone was the best member of NSYNC. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it."

"Look, it's going to be this way for a while with the Cubs and Pirates," said Cardinals GM John Mozeliak. "So we thought it just made sense to take pride in our current situation. Namely, that we have the best fans of a mediocre team in baseball."