Sport

“I’ll be damned if we’ll lose 100 games again,” skipper Dale Sveum told Cubs.com. “These new guys are here to contribute to the ball club.”

Apparently, the plan is part of the Cubs already dismal September call-ups. When contacted by the Heckler for further reasoning, Epstein explained.

The owners have all agreed that if each and every player agrees not to file a lawsuit over head trauma sustained from concussions, they will all be allowed to live on Elysium when they retire.

"Apparently [former head coach] Lovie Smith thought the offense was moving too fast sometimes," said Urlacher. "So we'd constantly be burning timeouts and delaying play calls in an effort to create the right pace. It didn't work as well as the whole faking injuries on defense thing, but you live and learn."

Coming off a 4-12 campaign, Detroit Lions fans needed a reason to believe this season, and head coach Jim Schwartz has provided it, vowing to "learn how to coach this year, I swear."

Disgusted by their close friend Johnny Manziel’s hard partying ways, and worried that he could be headed down a path of no return, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Amanda Bynes all decided to stage an intervention for Johnny Manziel at his apartment in College Station.

Friday marked the return of Ryne Sandberg to Chicago as a big league manager. The Cubs celebrated the event by bringing in Bruce Sutter to give up a couple homers to Ryno and then actually beat his team two out of three games.