In a stunning announcement, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and the league’s owners came out today in support of a new plan to address the concussion issue which has cast a negative light over the NFL in recent years. The owners have all agreed that if each and every player agrees not to file a lawsuit over head trauma sustained from concussions, they will all be allowed to live on Elysium when they retire.
Elysium, a beautiful man-made space station located just outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, is typically only inhabited by World Leaders and multi-billionaires who have both the money and the power to afford to live at this palatial space station. In addition to their luxurious lifestyle, inhabitants of Elysium have access to the greatest medical care known to mankind.
For Goodell and the team owners, this was seen as an absolute win. The NFL can continue to ignore the concussion issue as they rake in billions of dollars glorifying aggressive helmet-to-helmet hits on defenseless wide receivers and quarterbacks. As for the current players, once they are done playing, they will all be allowed to board a space shuttle to Elysium where they will literally be cured of all their brain trauma.
When pressed by the media and the NFL Players Association for a specific date that players could leave for Elysium, Goodell informed them that the NFL’s traveling secretary would soon be coordinating all shuttle-launch details with each team.
When it comes to high school and college players, who are also concerned about concussions, an exuberant Goodell pointed out that as long as each one of those athletes worked incredibly hard, was drafted by an NFL team and managed to stay in the NFL for the Elysium-mandated 15-year contract, then they would also be afforded the opportunity to retire to the space station.
Ex-players already suffering from CTE and severe head trauma have been informed that they are already at Elyisum and the healing process is just beginning.