Coming off a 4-12 campaign, Detroit Lions fans needed a reason to believe this season, and head coach Jim Schwartz has provided it, vowing to “learn how to coach this year, I swear.”

“Look, I obviously had no idea what I was doing last year,” said Schwartz. “And anybody who’s followed my career the last few seasons knows this is nothing new. The tantrums. The terrible clock management. The complete lack of control over my players. Wait, what was my point?”

After a moment, the Lions coach collected his thoughts.

“Oh yeah, that’s right. I was saying how this year will be different,” he said. “I read Bill Walsh’s book on leadership and, well, I read the first few pages anyway. And I really learned a lot, okay?! If you don’t like it, you can shut your pie hole! The point is, just wait until you see us win a ton of games this season! It’s gonna be freaking epic! Now I’m gonna go get a pizza, damnit!”