Sunday, April 21, 2024

Matthew Stafford can’t believe he’s ‘in for three more years of this shit’

Disbelief is the word that can best describe what Matthew Stafford was feeling in the moments after his Lions blew a huge late lead to Mitch Trubisky and the Bears Sunday afternoon.

7 ways Matthew Stafford could protect himself against the Bears

Last week, Matthew Stafford was obliterated by the Minnesota Vikings defense, getting sacked 10 times. This week, he faces a Bears defense that will likely feature a healthy Khalil Mack, and has dominated their past two opponents. We here at The Heckler care about Matthew Stafford's well-being, which is why we are presenting seven suggested ways he could avoid getting murdered by the Monsters of the Midway.

Lions players grateful to leave Green Bay without being attacked by Screech

“I’m just scared out of my mind," said Suh. "I mean this is the guy who stalked Lisa Turtle, helped Jesse Spano score caffeine pills so she could lose weight...or ace a test I think. He played bass in Zack Attack and he even got fake ID’s and a mustache so he could meet college girls. I mean this maniac could be anywhere right now.”

Suh chastises Raiola for using a cut-block when flying hammer-elbow headstomp would have worked

Raiola admitted to cut-blocking New England's Zach Moore on the final play of Detroit's 34-9 loss to the Patriots. A furious Suh spoke to the media afterwards, chastising Raiola for his poor judgement.

Brandon Marshall Twitter troll winds up being Golden Gloves boxer

In another stroke of bad luck for the Bears, the Twitter troll was later revealed to be a Golden Gloves boxer, who will most likely mop the floor with Marshall should the two ever actually match up.

NFC North GM’s unaware they can sign free agents from outside division

"Unfortunately league rule prohibit us from signing free agents outside the NFC North," said Bears GM Phil Emery. "I've not actually seen this rule, but since teams in our division are only signing free agents from other teams in this division it has to be the case."

Bears to face Lions in inaugural Bowl

"The Heckler is a real farce of a publication, so we thought this would be a great opportunity to set up a farce of a bowl game for these farcical football teams to play in."