Last week, Matthew Stafford was obliterated by the Minnesota Vikings defense, getting sacked 10 times. This week, he faces a Bears defense that will likely feature a healthy Khalil Mack, and has dominated their past two opponents. We here at The Heckler care about Matthew Stafford’s well-being, which is why we are presenting seven suggested ways he could avoid getting murdered by the Monsters of the Midway.

1. Spend the entire game already on the ground

If Stafford lines up while lying on the ground, any hit he takes would automatically be illegal under new NFL rules. In fact, lying down might offer an additional strategic advantage, as snaps are probably a lot easier to handle when you’re already down there. It may not help him get a W, but it’ll definitely let him extend his career a few more seasons.

 2. Wear helmets on all parts of his body, thus making all hits against him illegal

If Stafford decides to stay upright for each play, odds are the Lions offensive line will be unable to protect him from vicious hits. However, if Matt Stafford puts helmets all over his body, refs won’t know which one is really his head, and thus, will have to call a flag anytime he is touched. Not only will this protect Stafford, but he will get 15 yards and an automatic first down every time!

3. Call only running plays.

No matter the score, no matter the situation, handing the ball off is a surefire way to avoid getting hit. Sure, the only rushing touchdown the Bears have given up all season was a garbage time QB sneak against Buffalo, but hey. This article is NOT about how the Lions can win the game. This article is about how to not make Stafford not die.

4. Meditate his way to a level of enlightenment so intense and glorious that Khalil Mack hits don’t bother him

Today is Friday, the game is Sunday. There is still time for Stafford to take a quick trip to Tibet, where he can learn from the gurus in the mountains about inner peace, tranquility, and the ability to exist only within one’s own mind, but still feel connected with the cosmos. If Stafford can reach existential bliss before Sunday’s match up, he should be able to handle whatever Fangio throws at him.

5. “Tweak” his “hamstring” in practice

If Stafford “tweaks” his “hamstring,” and finds himself on the “injury” report, then that means he might be able to spend Sunday’s game safely on the sidelines.

6. Use a variety of complex protection packages, which utilize double teams, even if they’re just chips off the line by a tight end or tackle. Mix that in with quick, underneath passes that find holes in the Bears zone defense, and trust Riddick, Golladay and Jones to make plays after the catch.

Honestly, that one is probably a bit of a long shot

7. Take solace in the fact that after Sunday’s game, he won’t have to worry about the Bears again for another 10 days.

When that time comes, he can always come back to this article.

By Mitchell Trachtenberg