After five years as Detroit's head coach, Jim Schwartz is out of a job, fired for failing to make the playoffs this year despite a 6-2 start. Schwartz said he's staying in Detroit, where he's confident he'll find a new job in short order.
"Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues," said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. "But your testicles? What's the worst that can happen, low sperm count?"
"Have you ever had Jet's Pizza? That stuff is delicious," a groggy post-op Burleson said. "Yeah, I broke my arm in two places and totaled out my SUV, but that pizza was really, really good."
"I'm not here to talk about Christian Ponder, or my habit of putting the opposing quarterback into a headlock until they say 'uncle' every time I beat them in a regular season game," said Suh.
Coming off a 4-12 campaign, Detroit Lions fans needed a reason to believe this season, and head coach Jim Schwartz has provided it, vowing to "learn how to coach this year, I swear."
When Suh and the washed-up funnyman Louie Anderson finally beached themselves poolside they were greeted with a chorus of jeers and boos that wouldn't be out of place at Soldier Field. "Let him drown!" shouted one observer. "Louie hasn't done anything worthwhile since 'Coming to America'!"