Over the past few seasons, the NFL has been embroiled in a concussion controversy. At the same time, the league has witnessed a slew of season-ending ACL injuries to some of its highest-profile names. While the NFL is emphasizing upper body safety, the players are begging for opponents to “avoid their knees.” This has left only one possible solution: the balls.
The NFL, with support from of the NFL Players Association, is spearheading a new campaign that encourages players to aim for each others’ testicles. Their nuts. Cojones. Family jewels. Crotchal regions. Sensitive areas.
“Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. “But your testicles? What’s the worst that can happen, low sperm count?”
Locker room reaction was split. Famed ball-puncher Charles “Peanut” Tillman loves it. “Makes my job easier,” claims Peanut. “Defensively, you hit a man there, he’ll drop like a rock and I guarantee you the last thing he’ll worry about is the football. I’ll set league records with forced fumbles.”
Coming off a groin tear injury, Tillman’s teammate Jay Cutler wasn’t so ecstatic. “I’m not sure I like the idea of guys targeting my groin. I’m already a little sore down there. Though it would force some of us on offense to focus more on our ball security.”
“Cheaper than a vasectomy! #realtalk #crotchshots” read a tweet from Antonio Cromartie.
“It’s why cups were invented,” said notorious junk stomper Ndamukong Suh. “Now QB’s gotta watch out, cause when I’m looking for my next sack, I’m gonna be comin’ for yo’ sac! Mwuhahaha!”
Future Hall of Famer Brett Favre, recently contacted by the Rams regarding their quarterback needs, initially was excited to hear news about the NFL advocating hits below the belt. However, Favre turned down the chance to unretire upon learning these “crotch shots” were not the kind he was known for.