Disgusted by their close friend Johnny Manziel’s hard partying ways, and worried that he could be headed down a path of no return, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Amanda Bynes all decided to stage an intervention for Johnny Manziel at his apartment in College Station.

A surprised Manziel was greeted by his three confidantes as he returned home from Texas A & M’s victory over Rice. Lohan spoke first.

“Johnny, you’ve hurt me with some of your actions. I mean my God, just because I’ve missed call times for work, been thrown off movie sets and lied about being hungover by saying I had asthma or the flu, does not make it OK for you to be out partying in a college party town or for you to have maybe 2-3 drinks on a Saturday night.”

Paris Hilton immediately chimed in with her prepared statement.

“Johnny, you’re out of control. Sometimes you’re out until 10PM and then you’re making money charging people for your autograph. Oooh, that reminds me, I’m being paid $100,000 to go open the Tau Night Club Phoenix at 1AM as well as sign autographs and pose for pictures so I need to go now.”

Lastly, Amanda Bynes stood up to address the room.

“Jimmy, you hurt me with your actions when you made fun of the Rice football team by taunting them. Oh my God, I think I have a nosebleed. Do you have a bathroom I can use?”

While a confused Manziel waited, Bynes returned to finish her statement.

“Jamie, sometimes you are very inconsiderate of our feelings and oh geez, my sciatica is acting up. I’ll be right back.”

After another few minutes, Bynes came back to speak her mind to Manziel.

“Josie, enough is enough. You need to do something about VISINE. I really need some VISINE! I’ll be right back.”

Later on after Paris Hilton had left and Amanda Bynes wouldn’t come out of the bathroom, and only Lindsay Lohan was around, it was pointed out to Lohan that Johnny Manziel hadn’t done any drugs, hadn’t driven under the influence multiple times and he had been one of the most spectacular and dependable football players in the country ever since he arrived at Texas A & M.

Lohan then looked Manziel in the eyes — in between checking her beeper and texting “Stashhouse BFF” — and told him “OK Johnny, you’re all better now but be careful. By the way, what time do the bars close in this town anyway? I need to keep intervening and help every student make a difference.”