NHL

“We were all out on the ice and I don’t think anybody noticed until the smoke started pouring out of their ears,” said Duncan Keith. “Somebody said coach’s mustache grew by like an inch at one point.”

Injuries and inconsistent play have caused Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville to juggle player lines more than usual this season. Everybody from rarely-deployed defenseman Jordan Hendry to a seemingly random stream of Rockford Ice Hogs has made an appearance at forward for the Hawks.

“Do you, um … like hockey?” one reporter asked a confused Patrick Kane. Several minutes of awkward silence followed, until somebody finally asked Kane if he remembered the streak.

Stan "Stosh" Kovaleski of northwest suburban Bensenville has started a "Qancel Qoach Q" website after the Blackhawks 6-2 loss to Colorado Saturday night.

"This Blackhawks run has given them complete control of the United Center, so they can enjoy better ice conditions," said Emanuel. "Plus, we can tow anyone who parks on the court after four inches of snow, set up intersection cameras for revenue and ticket for playing Nate Robinson on defensive sets in the 4th."

“How am I supposed to act intimidating after eating PB+J with the crusts cut off?” asked Leddy. “From now on it’s meatball subs, and mom, make my Cheetos flamin’. And no more perfectly-cubed fruit, throw the whole cantaloupe in there.”

“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”