NHL

“I’m glad to finally reach a point where my teammates and even a few fans will remember my name,” said Bickell. “Up until two weeks ago, Coach Q called me ‘Hey, big guy!’ And when my jerseys came misspelled? Oh man ... Frolik still calls me ‘Bickett.’”

Asked about the video, Pat Kane Sr. said “Yeah, yeah, yeah … 22 career playoff goals. Of course they’re in the video. But Patrick scored the hat trick because I secretly spliced Miracle on Ice into the film. You know, subliminally, the way the words ‘order a pizza’ are invisibly edited into those late night infomercials for exercise machines.”

"It was Denis Savard," said one Cubs fan, wiping a tear from her eye. "He sang 'take me out to the ballgame' during the 7th Inning Stretch. He opened our eyes and made us see what was really important in this world. Not this simple game between two mediocre baseball teams, but the Stanley Cup! It's really all about the Cup!"

Vowing to acquit themselves after losing three of five playoff games to the Red Wings and fighting to stay alive in the series, the Blackhawks organized a team swim in the Detroit River prior to Game 6 in the Motor City, which many are crediting with their resurgence in Monday night's thrilling 4-3 win.

“She said that eight-legged creatures would rain from the sky,” said UC employee Sam McAllister. “Sounded like gibberish to me. Then she yelled something about the Hawks never winning as long as the zebras ruled the land. I laughed. It makes me cry a little to think that I laughed.”

Droves of bandwagon Blackhawks fans have been eliminated from the playoffs after Monday night's 3-1 defeat in Detroit, putting Chicago down 2-1 in the best-of-seven series. "God damn Crawford! Get your head out of your ass,"...

Saddened by his team's flat performance in Saturday's 4-1 playoff loss to the Red Wings, Patrick Kane claimed to be "super depressed" and predicted he'd probably only take home three or four girls from the bar later this evening.