Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Bloody, combative Andrew Shaw removed from elf duties at local mall

“Some kids started asking Santa too many questions,” said Shaw. “So I asked them if they wanted to dance, dropped my little green gloves and went to town. I didn’t think it was a big deal since we were about the same size.”

NHL informs Hawks they’re not required to turn over puck in own zone

"We got a call from the guys in the war room in Toronto, expressing concern that perhaps Chicago defensemen were under the illusion they weren't allowed to skate or pass the puck out of the zone," said an NHL spokesperson.

Rest of NHL agrees to participate in yet another Blackhawks or Kings Cup run

“The owners could have made at least one unreasonable demand,” Bettman was overheard lamenting to a confidant. “Otherwise what am I doing here? All I’ve got is this cheap suit and my idea to dot the greater southwestern desert with unprofitable teams.”

‘Sharpie must be playing hurt’ suggests housewife who wants to nurse him back to...

"This isn't the Sharpie I know and love," said Miller after the Hawks' 6-2 loss to the Kings Wednesday night. "He's just not playing like himself. He must be hurt and I'm just the person to nurse him back to health."

‘Toews nominated for everything,’ NHL announces

"I'm not even on his team and I think he deserves the Vezina," said Tukka Rask. "Did you see the goaltending he did? Neither did I! That's how good he is!"

‘Totally healthy’ Kane and Toews will play rest of first round duck-taped to each-other

"Kane will do the bulk of the skating, while Toews will be strapped to his back, barking out orders. This should feel familiar to both.”

Putin rescinds controversial gay propaganda laws after meeting Patrick Sharp

“We may have made a mistake,” said Putin. “What person would not want to grab this man by his face and kiss both cheeks more times than normal social etiquette would call for?”