Experts speculate that the spikes are normally hidden beneath Bettman’s cheap suits, ready to display whenever his species feels cornered.
“We stand for low, low rates on car insurance,” said company representative Ray Reed. “But one thing you can’t skimp on is clearing skaters out of the crease. It doesn’t take a caveman to know that. Remember them? The Geico cavemen? They briefly had a sitcom. Wow.”
As the Blackhawks part ways with goalie Corey Crawford, the team's marketing department rushed to compile a tribute video when someone had an idea.
“Do you, um … like hockey?” one reporter asked a confused Patrick Kane. Several minutes of awkward silence followed, until somebody finally asked Kane if he remembered the streak.
“The owners could have made at least one unreasonable demand,” Bettman was overheard lamenting to a confidant. “Otherwise what am I doing here? All I’ve got is this cheap suit and my idea to dot the greater southwestern desert with unprofitable teams.”
Thanks to an early postseason exit, the Blackhawks will have plenty of spare time this offseason. This is how they plan to spend it.
"I just wanted to skate around with the puck and do different spin-o-ramas until the two minutes were up," said Kane. "But maybe now I should try to throw it at the net or something."