NFL

"Roy Williams is very, very shitty receiver," said Sato. "But when he did his Dropzilla act it reminded me of all the carnage another beastly, alligator-armed monster has wreaked our proud country and I just about lost it."

"What's the point of having a team participate in the draft when they have no picks until day three in 2022?" Goodell said to reporters. "What's best for the NFL is to not allow the Bears to participate, all they do anyway is devour our war room catering, bet against themselves, and ask about the eligibility of division four players who don't exist."

New York Giants executives have shown their confidence in new head coach Joe Judge this week after pegging him as the guy who can get the team back to its glory days of 8-8 records.

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick picked a perfect day to hold a press conference with his new starting quarterback, Brian Hoyer on April Fools Day as he shared his excitement for next season.

As the Chicago Bears endure another tough season and the Cubs celebrate a historic one, we’ve decided it’s time to look back. To the future, you say? No, weirdo. To the colorful past and all the Chicago athletes who have graced our fields of play, from the great to the merely memorable.

“We are awarding Kristin this degree for her ability to play the faux-brainiac,” said college director Bobo the Hobo. “The depth of her make-believe knowledge is unmatched. She has pretended to read many comically oversized books.”

“Vikings? Really? I mean, you ever seen a guy with horns on his head?” said Peterson. “Seems crazy to me. Don’t believe in it. And taxes. Taxes, too. But that’s because it’s against my religious beliefs, or something.”