Everything else

“We expect this new system of ADT cameras and motion-sensors to notify players when an opponent breeches our territory,” said team GM Stan Bowman. “And if nobody on the ice does anything about it, a soothing ADT operator will come over the loudspeakers, calm everybody down and alert the proper authorities.”

"If I had cleavage and side-boob bouncing in my face on a football field, I'd certainly fall down and hurt myself," Goodell said. "The risk of injury due to indecency in the NFL is nil."

“I just don’t get him,” said booth partner Steve Stone, who has tried to play against Harrelson. “Once he tried to put in ‘canocorn,’ and I told him that wasn’t a word. But when I explained that he could just change the word to ‘corn’ and get some points, he got really argumentative and wouldn’t do it.”

The Coors Brewing Company recently inked the Yankees slugger to a five-commercial deal in which he will don the famous “bitter beer face.”

“I made some joke that the best Bob could ever hope for is to be rhythm guitarist in a Doobie Brothers cover band,” said Kasper. “And now he says we’re on hiatus and is spending entire games in the booth writing his 'The Wall.'”

Good news for Yankees fans depressed about CC Sabathia going on the DL Wednesday with a muscle leg strain is that the DL did not break when the hefty ace landed on it.

The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He -- like the rest of humanity -- is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.