Breaking!

Employing the same formula that brought them championships in 1997 and 2003, the Miami Marlins announced that they have signed free agents Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Ryan Madson and immediately began planning the fire sale that has shortly followed those two World Series titles.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

"It was pretty graphic," teammate James Neal told reporters. "I mean, we'll be walking to the ice for practice, and he'll start rubbing his temples and complaining that he thinks the headaches are coming back, and after a while he starts screaming, 'Oh no concussion!' then the next thing you know... pop. His head just explodes. It looks exactly like that scene from 'Scanners.' We all rush over and Sid just starts laughing at us. Not cool."

When Patriots Rob Gronkowski landed awkwardly on his neck while scoring his second TD of the night Monday, concerns were immediately set off that he may have suffered a concussion. The six-foot-seven tight end downplayed further reports that he had indeed suffered head trauma, claiming he "just really stupid."

Penn State is requesting an emergency exemption from NCAA policies barring the paying of recruits due to continued fallout from the Sandusky scandal.

"It's been a whirlwind," Palmer told reporters. "First I was a retired member of the Cincinnati Bengals, and then I was throwing more interceptions than touchdowns for the Oakland Raiders, and now here I am, ready to totally torpedo the Chicago Bears season."

In an effort to make one of its premier teams more exciting, the NFL will allow Giants’ running back Brandon Jacobs to line up next to the opposition’s defensive line effective immediately.