Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Dee-troit Lions Despite being only Lion to not score a TD Sunday, Calvin Johnson is still mayor of NFL end zones in that foursquare game everybody’s playing, a game where shallow drones try to validate their hollow existence by going out a lot.
9 – Denver Tebows My boy Tebow lulls Jets to sleep with a single game record of 73 three-and-outs before 95-yard march to winning TD. He also fractured his thumb but healed himself.
8 – Dallas Cowboys ‘Boys beat ‘Skins on OT field goal but the reason they replaced the Saints in the top 10 is Jerry Jones paid me $120,000 to do it. Carl got bills to pay!
7 – Cam-olina Panthers Newton’s Law (part 3, section 12c) – Lions had to play 14 men on defense to intercept those four passes Sunday. Carl Weathers has fined Detroit $7,000,000 for blatant cheating/paying off of refs.
6 – Pittsburgh Steelers Big Ben spends bye weeks wrapped up like Hannibal Lecter with a ball gag in his mouth yet still sounds more intelligent than Terry Bradshaw.
5 – New England Patriots Tom Brady torches Chiefs (2 TD passes to Ivan Drago-Gronkowski) yet still trails me in Sports Illustrated covers by 24. King of Sting, c’mon man!
4 – Chicago Bears Little known history fact: between the end of the Upper Paleolithic era and the beginning of the Mesolithic era there was a brief Caleb Hanie era. In that Caleb Hanie era Caveman Hanie led Caveman Bears to Caveman Super Bowl win over Denver Dinosaurs. Phillip Rivers looks like a blind 3-eyed squirrel in an acorn factory.
3 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners warm up for Thanksgiving game/battle of the Harbaugh brothers with a bye week (Arizona Cardinals) light workout. Alex Smith? I still can’t wrap my head around this, I’m in therapy now.
2 – Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers doesn’t embarrass Bucs too badly. I went to this game with a cheese grater and messed up some of those cheese heads for fun. I was a bit drunk and pants-less, but some nice ladies did the Lambeau leap on my junk. Here we go!
1 – Oakland Raiders Michael Bush earns 2nd straight Master of Disaster award this week for his 129 total yards/1 TD vs. them Vikings. Raiders, despite being called for 12 penalties/346 yards, break Adrian Peterson and scalp that fat bald Viking dude with the horn.

Program note – The November 27 untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will feature me and Marv napping after our Thanksgiving dinner.
Follow us on Facebook, me and Marv just figured it out!

Patrick O. Elia